Hugh Gallagher's college essay... and a novel

Going in backwards order, the debut novel of this American humorist was "Teeth"; you can see more about this 1999 book on amazon.com's description. I read an excerpt, which makes me want to read the rest.

But I heard of him because of an essay he wrote, which appeared in Rob Bell's Drops Like Stars (apparently now available in paperback). According to Wikipedia, it was written for a 1989 writing contest and later submitted to colleges. The full version is at http://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/~susan/joke/essay.htm but here are a few lines from it:

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.
...

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
...

There's lots more. The essay also appears on http://saunderslog.com/2005/11/21/hugh-gallagher-man-of-many-talents/ along with 19 (currently) responses.