Why am I impatient?

So this guy at work faced a software problem: the code was hanging at a certain place, he said. I won't say that he's hard to work with, but I wanted him to provide me with all the data so I could look at it "offline"; that is, I wanted to examine the evidence after the fact, rather than doing everything interactively.

So I gave him some instructions. Type script, then at the next prompt, type /usr/software/gdb/bin/gdb.sksim xxx. Then when it gets to the hang you mentioned, generate a coredump by typing generate-core-file. Then type exit until you see /this message/. Give me the path to that file.

For reasons known only to him, he kept not doing it. He typed script (good), but then he didn't type the exact thing I told him to type. I even told him the reason to type /usr/software/gdb/bin/gdb.sksim, not simply gdb, but still he typed gdb. He said "I don't know why the coredump keeps getting corrupted." This was after I told him that the stock debugger produces unreadable coredumps.

I did tell him at one point, "After I see that you have executed the correct steps, then I will look at your problem." I'm happy that I didn't go all, Look, you want help with this problem? Why do you keep doing what I told you not to??

But why was I so miffed? Why was I screaming inside? Why couldn't I just think, "He's not doing what he needs to do to be effective; when he starts acting reasonably, I hope I can help him"? and just go on and do other work (of which there is no lack)?

I think I know the answer, but I don't much like it. It has to do with what some people call the "false self." Well, "false" may be a bit of an exaggeration—or maybe not! Wendy Wright explains it well in this snippet from Exploring Spiritual Guidance (Upper Room Books, 2006; ISBN 0-8358-9834-2), about a woman who volunteered for a month in a rural setting:

This woman went with the idea of helping others, fulfilling her Christian duty by using her gifts on behalf of less fortunate persons. Her experience was exactly the reverse. A city girl, she found herself quite helpless on a farm. She had to be constantly tutored in the most gentle and compassionate way by those she had imagined she would serve. As this woman gradually came to accept her dependence on others, she became aware of all the subtle ways she had learned over the years to mask her neediness. Always having to look good was one way. Always having the right answer was another. always being competent was a third. (56)

I like being competent and having the right answer. I like being that guy who can help people solve their technical problems. But is that really who I am?

The psychologically correct answer, the mentally and spiritually healthy answer is (you guessed it), "No." The true self, as I profess to believe (and as the Church has taught for millennia), is that I am a beloved child of God, beloved not because of my accomplishments or virtue, but for no good reason whatsoever. And because God loves me, I want to be loving and kind to others; part of how I do that is by helping people learn how to approach their technical problems.

When I can keep this principle front and center in my consciousness, I experience joy and peace, and I can share that with those around me. But when I lose track of it, I become agitated, and what I share instead is my agitation and impatience.

Therefore, as the Apostle Paul said, "Brothers and sisters, pray for us." Especially if you have to work with me.

Misappropriation

These are unauthorized and unofficial ramblings. I didn't take notes when I heard this, so you’re getting my recollections at a later date; all errors are mine.

About misappropriation of funds in general

… not necessarily this case in particular:

We often won’t know how long misappropriation went on.

Sometimes an initial report will mention “at least five years,” because it's fairly easy to get bank records going back five years. Farther back, they’re harder to get.

We often won’t know how much money was taken without an arduous investigation.

Perpetrators do not usually keep separate ledger columns, so they don’t know. They don’t want to know, really. It takes time to analyze financial records, and if the misappropriation went on for over five years, records may also be incomplete.

Whether stolen assets can be returned depends on how much the perpetrator has in the way of recoverable assets.

Many organizations have insurance policies to protect them from losses of this kind. Insurers often require a police report to be filed in order to process a claim.

Police report? Aren’t these civil matters?

IANAL but I understand that there can be both criminal and civil actions. Any criminal charge would be filed by the District Attorney. It is the DA’s decision whether to file charges and prosecute. When guilt is admitted, I understand that the DA would usually proceed to file charges. This decision is influenced by many factors, including political factors.

What about a civil case?

Any civil case would typically be initiated by the insurer. This decision may be based on a judgment of whether recoverable assets would likely exceed the costs of litigation. If a defendant owns a house in the San Francisco Bay Area, then equity in the house would typically be the largest single asset and might be recoverable in a civil action.

If recoverable assets do not exceed the estimated litigation expense, a civil action would likely not be initiated.

Why the perpetrator did it is something that is usually not knowable.

Perpetrators, like all of us, tell themselves stories to justify themselves. These stories evolve over time. They tell the stories to themselves for so long that they actually believe them, even though their version of events may contain elements that simply did not happen that way. So after some time, even they don’t know why they started; consequently, they cannot tell us.

In the Trinity case, whose funds were taken?

Some denominations have legal ownership of all a church’s assets; this is true at Trinity. All assets “owned” by Trinity Menlo Park are, as a legal matter, held in trust for the Diocese of California. The Diocese is the legal owner of bank accounts, real estate, and everything else that Trinity “owns.”

When funds were taken from Trinity, then, they were as a legal matter actually taken from the Diocese. The injured party in this case is thus the Diocese; it is not “us.” That is why the Diocese must be involved.

What has Matthew said?

The Diocese’s “Title IV” process prohibits Matthew from communicating to us; we are requested not to reach out to him by any means (including social media). I recently thought to consult local news media. An April 19th article in the Mercury News includes these excerpts:

“This is a very painful time for me, and particularly for my family,” Dutton-Gillett said in a statement to this news organization. “I have a deep love for the Trinity community, and they for me, and I know that this is painful for them, as well. I regret that deeply.”

“The essence of the Christian faith is repentance and reconciliation with reparation,” Dutton-Gillett said in the statement. “It is my profound hope that we will find a way to continue our journey together in a way that embodies Christ’s forgiveness and healing, finding our way back to a place of mutual trust.”

Jail Ministry

I’ll confess here to one of my many blind spots. Until a recent meeting of Trinity’s jail ministry team, the question of jail time had not occurred to me. Or if it did, I guess I suppressed the thought because I like Matthew and worry about his future and his family.

In that jail team meeting, a team member commented that as we try to serve jail inmates, some of whom may be there unjustly, it made no sense that a white male with connections is still at large even though he has admitted guilt; there is no doubt that he stole some $125,000. This was of course a criminal act (or a sequence of criminal acts).

This team member is withdrawing from the jail team for a time, and possibly also from Trinity.

The above comments shocked me, not because I disagreed, but because, as I mentioned above, the question of criminal prosecution had somehow not occurred to me at all. It put me in mind of the Roman Catholic Church’s scandal exposed by the Boston Globe’s Spotlight team—at least as depicted in the eponymous film. What stood out for me from it was the comment from so many parishioners that they didn’t want to get the Father in trouble.

I remember feeling shocked to hear parents say that, and this instance is hardly as egregious, but I can now completely sympathize with the feelings of fondness and respect for a teacher/counselor figure.