Trapped!

This is a hypothetical story about a hypothetical boy, although some of the statements undoubtedly apply to someone somewhere.

When Joe was a young boy, his parents were preoccupied; they were both professors at the local university, devoted to their work and their students. Oh, they fed Joe and clothed him; they didn't beat him. But they were dutiful and that was about it, or so it seemed -- still seems -- to Joe.

One day, Joe hit a baseball through a neighbor's window. Or maybe he brought home a report card with -- horror of horrors -- a "B-" on it. Or he had a bicycle accident and scraped his knee.

His parents made some remark to the effect that "the trouble with you is you don't pay enough attention" or "you aren't careful enough" or "you're lazy" -- something like this. (If "Joe" were a girl, then some thoughtless remark about her appearance might have come out.)

Why were his parents just dutiful? Why didn't they give Joe the kind of love and affection and affirmation that every child hungers for? Was it because Joe wasn't paying enough attention, wasn't careful enough, was too lazy, fat, stupid, plain or ugly?

No no no no no! A thousand times no! That had nothing to do with it!

The parents were lukewarm, dutiful, etc. because they were, and are, sinners! They are broken, wounded, bent, imperfect. They have fallen and do fall short.

The other thing is that they are only human. They're limited. They aren't God.

But these ideas are painful for Joe, because they mean he has no chance of getting all he wants from them.

What Joe should do at this point, and maybe he actually could do if he has learned about God, is this: He should turn in faith to God -- because only God can fill that void in Joe's heart. Only God has the perfect love described in 1 Corinthians 13. (Parents, friends, lovers -- everyone else will let Joe down eventually, but God promises those who love him that he will never leave them or forsake them.)

But your average Joe doesn't do that; as a young child, his heart is full of folly (Proverbs 22:15). So he comes to this foolish conclusion instead, and clings to it for years: "I can love and affirmation from (parents, friends, lovers, etc.) if I can just _________________." The blank can be filled in with any of

• be careful enough
• pay enough attention
• achieve something noteworthy
• make myself beautiful enough
• be smart enough
• work hard enough
• pray enough (!)
• learn enough about the Bible
• ...etc.

This kind of thinking is deadly because it just reinforces itself:

When something good happens, Joe looks for, and finds, some recent occasion when he paid more attention, or was especially clever, or spent some more time on his hair or whatever, and attributes his good fortune to his efforts. Conversely, when something bad happens, Joe looks for, and finds, some recent occasion when he was (or might have been) a little less attention, or was a little less careful, or spent a little less time on his hair or whatever. Naturally he attributes his bad fortune to his lack of diligence/care/effort.

And besides that, as long as Joe hangs on to this mindset, he can retain the illusion (or "the stubborn insistence") of being in control. Of having the power to get people around him to meet his needs.

It's that, the idea of using people (or God) to make him feel good about himself, that is so harmful to Joe. It colors all his relationships, including of course his relationship to God, because part of Joe is wondering "How can I get this person to give me what I want? How does this person think? How can I create in them a sense of obligation to love me, admire me, affirm me, defer to me, whatever?" So as much as Joe wants to love and bless people, as much as he wants to love and worship God, there's a part of him that also wants to use people and to use God.

Of course, Joe isn't unusual in this. We all love imperfectly and with mixed motives, because we all have unrepented folly in our background.

What can we do? Here's a 30-year plan, which I just made up:

• Pray Psalm 139:23-24 regularly (Search me, O God, and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the everlasting way.)
• Be in a close fellowship group, where someone will feel free to practice Matthew 18:15 on you (If your brother sins, go and reprove him in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother).
• Use periods of solitude to reflect and confess (1 John 1:7-9)
• If you're fortunate to be able to do so, raise children, and do it prayerfully.

Actually I didn't just make that up; I've been doing it for a few years now. So far, it's three steps forward, two steps back.

If I come up with anything else, I'll let you know.

It's not about tradition

WARNING: this is even more scatter-brained than usual

At the beginning of Fiddler on the Roof, the protagonist Tevye praises tradition, saying

Because of our traditions, everyone knows who he is and what God expects him to do.

Tevye was only partially right, but like many of us, that didn't make him unsure.

"Often wrong but rarely in doubt" -- is that an apt description of the human condition vis-á-vis these questions? I'm going to say "Yes", based on this comment from Jesus:

"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

Matthew 7:13-14

Jesus also said,

Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?'

Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'

Matthew 7:22-23

Apparently they'll be surprised on that day -- they're wrong but not in doubt.

There are all sorts of reasons why we're this way. For one thing, there is no one universally-accepted unequivocal standard by which to judge answers to this question, so we tend not to sense a credible challenge to whatever folly we happen to be pursuing. Instead, we face an abundance of conflicting advice. Self-proclaimed experts abound. And family, friends, colleagues, celebrities, literature, film, etc., all influence us. There's also a lot of confusion about these questions within the church, not to mention other religions.

But the biggest reason we unquestioningly pursue our folly is that we are sinners. I know; I'm one, too. We all have a natural tendency to turn away from God and to seek meaning elsewhere. We choose goals poorly -- the first one being to find fulfillment apart from God -- and pursue them more or less without question. Some of the things we do actually seem to work.

Here's an example. For many years, the way I chose to feel good about myself was... to be "right". I wanted to know what the rules were, and to follow them well, so as to be above criticism. I hate being criticized. And if I follow the rules more closely and carefully than you do, then I might think to myself that I'm a better person.

Pretty dumb, huh? The goal is completely wrong, but the actions I took in pursuit of that goal... well, they had some positive results. Following the traffic regulations, for example, avoids a whole class of problems. Nothing wrong with that, as far as traffic rules go, anyway.

There are unwritten rules about social interactions, too. Following these rules (which include, but are not limited to, "etiquette") will tend to make those interactions go more smoothly. But will etiquette guarantee good results? Nope. Will it give you or me a deeply satisfying life? Forget it! Will etiquette make you a warm and attractive person? Ha! All it can do is make you correct. Following it will reduce the incidence of certain kinds of unpleasantness all around; this isn't bad, and it isn't trivial, but it has nowhere near the power I had sought. "Love me, I always say 'Please' and 'Thank you'" Or whatever.

A couple of weeks ago, we enjoyed the company of a missionary couple who told us about some of the things they were doing. They work for an outfit focused on specific technical tasks, but in a recent meeting with their team, they asked, "What would it look like if the Kingdom of God were to come to this people?"

What a terrific question! Now what does Headquarters think about this? Well, they're mostly OK with it. I mean, the reason this organization does all those technical tasks is for that purpose. Do we not pray, "(May) thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven"?

Yet there are members of the team who say, "God called me to do this technical task"; they apparently want to limit their activities, and their thoughts, to this technical task.

I certainly can understand that way of thinking; I've felt that way myself at times. "This is what I do, and I do it well," goes the mantra. And "When I run, I feel His pleasure," as Eric Liddell said. And this is a good thing -- no, a very good thing. It is very good for us to exercise our gifts and to do things that God has gifted us to do.

Yet it somehow shortchanges us, and God, to limit ourselves to things we've always done, to look for satisfaction where we've always found it. To limit ourselves to tradition, in other words.

I'm no iconoclast; I think tradition is great. It's just not everything.

Patriarchal society? Bah!

The lovely Carol was reading part of today's reading aloud, and she pointed out something I missed. As I wrote last year,

Elisha the prophet went to Shunem, where a rich but childless woman provides a room for him. She furnishes it with a bed, a table, a chair, and a lamp. He says to her, "You have gone to all this trouble for us. Now what can be done for you? Can we speak on your behalf to the king or the commander of the army?" (2 Kings 4.13)

So what had I missed? That although this was allegedly a partiarchal society, Elisha talks to the woman, not to her husband. It is she that he asks, "What can be done for you?" It is also she who runs to him when her son dies. Indeed, she doesn't even tell her husband what she's up to, but dodges his questions and heads out.

This is a powerful, capable woman, like the one described in Proverbs 31. She is not to be messed with. Sure, she's got her vulnerable points, but anybody who says that the Bible demeans women has surely not encountered this woman.

Guess Who's Coming to Visit

I heard a knock and a whimpering sound. The knocking was from our neighbor Sudeep, and the whimpering from her 12-year-old shepherd mix, Buddy.

"He always makes that noise when he thinks he's going to see a friend," she explained. I lowered my head toward Buddy in greeting, and he gave me a kiss.

Sudeep dropped the leash and Buddy started wandering around, sniffing.

"He's not here any more, Buddy," I said. Duke has been gone over six weeks now, but I still miss him terribly sometimes.

Buddy padded over to the kitchen, then into the den. He followed Carol onto the patio but soon returned.

It's something like a half-mile from Sudeep's and Dave's house over to ours, and Buddy isn't a puppy any more, so I stepped outside to find Duke's old water bowl, the white one with the fake paw-print carved in the bottom. Buddy followed me with some interest. I gave it a rinse, filled it a little over half-way, and set it down in front of the stove. By this time, Buddy had lost interest, so I called him over, making a splashing sound to entice him.

Performing that simple act of service nearly brought tears to my eyes, because I hadn't done it in, well, six weeks, and the one for whom I did it was no longer here to appreciate it.

Thinking back on it, I suppose we could have done more for Duke, but it would have been expensive and miserable and wouldn't have extended his life more than a few weeks.

For some reason that reminded me of a conversation with my father-in-law some years back. I don't remember exactly what it was about, but I remember feeling exasperated with him. I wanted to yell at him: "If you were dying and needed an operation or something, don't you think I'd give you $30,000 to save your life? What the hell is the matter with you anyway?"

When I described this to Carol, she said, "He probably doesn't think you would."

I was amazed and astonished.

Sometimes I think my priorities are messed up because I miss the dog a lot more than I miss my father-in-law. But whereas I would have given my father-in-law $30,000 if needed (that was in 1990 dollars too), I wasn't willing to shell out $10,000 for the dog in 2007. So maybe they're not so messed up after all.

In that way perhaps I'm not unlike Thomas, the so-called doubter. Everybody remembers Thomas as the guy who doubted. But look at this:

Then Thomas (called Didymus) said to the rest of the disciples, "Let us also go, that we may die with him."

John 11:16

Whether a man says "I believe" or "I don't believe" or "I will not believe unless", you can find out what he really thinks by watching where his feet go. Yes, Thomas had his moments of doubt -- who among us hasn't? -- but he followed Jesus to Bethany, and then to Jerusalem. His feet, and his wallet, were in the right place, even if he did make that famous comment about not believing unless he saw this and that.

Yep, Thomas is one of my heroes.

Meanwhile, Buddy was disappointed at not finding his friend Duke.

"I wish he were here too, Buddy," I told him. It was so sad, Buddy not knowing where his friend was (though he could smell him everywhere) and us not being able to communicate to him that his old playmate was gone forever.

What would be good news to Buddy? To Sudeep? How about to me?

I think one thing that would be welcome is the knowledge that the love and mutual enjoyment that we shared together will be ours again in the world to come.

3 quick/easy recipes for a summer dinner party

We just had a late birthday party in honor of the lovely Carol, where several friends told me how great the food was. Since I prepared three of the dishes, I thought I'd tell you about them. Then, if your friends are as nice as mine are, they will also tell you how wonderful your cooking is.

Vegetable stew

... or ratatouille. This is vaguely based on a recipe in the Moosewood Cookbook, but modified to suit what I had on hand (including what I remembered to think about at the farmer's market this morning). I prepared it on the stove top right after lunch, then stuck it in the fridge to serve cold (or cool) at suppertime.

1. Slice thinly:
   • 1 medium onion
2. Mince:
   • 2 cloves garlic
   or use the equivalent from prepared minced garlic (the lazy gourmet's friend)
3. Saute garlic and onions on medium-low heat with
   • some olive oil.
4. Meanwhile, prepare the other vegetables:
   • 1 bell pepper -- julienne
   • 3-4 Japanese eggplant (the long kind) or 1-2 medium egg-shaped ones -- diced
   • enough zucchini, crooked-neck, or other squash to be about 150% of the volume of the eggplant: sliced 1cm thick
   • tomatoes: 2 medium or large, sliced
   Throw each into the pot as you finish cutting it, stirring after each vegetable
5. Add:
   • a little black pepper
   • salt -- maybe 1-2 tsp
   • about ½ tsp each marjoram, oregano, basil
   • optional: up to ½ cup red wine
   • VERY optional: a bay leaf (also known as "a waste of time" but some people like them). Actually, forget I mentioned it.
6. Cover and simmer about 45 minutes on LOW heat.
7. Transfer to a casserole and refrigerate.

Indirect-heat salmon

This is simplicity itself. Light about 40-50 briquets as usual. When they're covered with ash, move them to either side of your Weber 22" kettle barbecue, leaving a space in the middle -- the "indirect heat" method. Consult your owner's manual for illustrations.

Take a piece of aluminum foil large enough to accommodate your salmon fillet -- in our case this was nearly half a salmon -- and fold the foil up at the edges so as not to lose the juices (oil, mostly) off the edge. Place the salmon, skin-side down (if it has skin) into this foil boat, and put the works in that center section of the grill. Replace the cover on your kettle barbecue. You want it hot but not too hot. After 15 minutes or so, start checking the salmon to see if it's done (or overdone). No need to turn it. Remove it when done and squeeze the juice of ½ lemon over it.

'Soy vey' salmon

This is cooked over direct heat. Basically, after the above indirect-heat fillet is done, you transfer it to the oven (cover with foil if it has to wait a long time), then move all your briquets into a layer (not a pile) to directly heat this next piece of salmon.

What you do is marinate a salmon filet in some bottled "teriyaki" sauce. Of course if you're industrious you can make your own sauce, but this is the easy way. The ideal dish/container is one made for this purpose by the Tupperware folks, but it's hardly essential. I soaked my filet for about a ½ hour.

When your salmon and the coals are ready, put the salmon into a "basket" like this one from grillstuff.com (we got one of these "broiler basket" things from Crate and Barrel). You might want to do this outdoors, because of the dripping sauce.

Place this basket with the fish, skin-side down if your filet has skin, and cover the grill (as much as you can). Wait no more than 5 minutes to check it and probably turn it over. Check 5 minutes after turning.

That's all folks

These recipes are pretty simple and will give you time to relax before the party, instead of looking for dozens of ingredients.

And remember, people come to the party to see you because of who you are, not because you've used very complicated recipes; these recipes here are "good enough" which means they're good enough. So enjoy the party, thank God for every good blessing, and don't stress out.

Luke 10:38-42

To Be a Parent

So I found another place where Kingsolver's dialogue is nearly unbelievable. Taylor is thinking about adopting this little girl, and Mattie offers her an astonishing insight:

"... I think you're asking the wrong question."

"How do you mean?"

"You're asking yourself, Can I give this kid the best possible upbringing and keep her out of harm's way her whole life long? The answer is no, you can't. But nobody else can either...."

"So what's the right thing to ask?"

"Do I want to try? Do I think it would be interesting, maybe even enjoyable in the long run, to share my life with this kid and give her my best effort and maybe, when all's said and done, end up with a good friend."

Kingsolver, The Bean Trees (1988)

Do you see what I mean? Who could come up with that just in conversation? Mattie talks like a book -- like literature, for gosh sakes!

But suspending my disbelief, I think this is a wonderful insight, and a great question for every parent to ask. Most parents never ask that question; parenthood happens to them in a sort of "existence before essence" kind of way -- they don't know what they're getting into until they're already in it.

But asking that question (not in the sense of "You mean I could opt out now? ") and choosing the answer Yes can, I think, put some of the little (and not-so-little) challenges in perspective.

It seems to me that's a helpful exercise, like asking yourself this one:

Knowing what I know now, would I ask him/her to marry me all over again?

and choosing "Yes." This isn't about believing three or twelve "impossible things before breakfast"; rather, it's about commiting my will, making a choice, orienting my body and putting one foot in front of the other.

But back to the original question. Do I want to try, and keep trying? Yes I do! And at this point I am thrilled to be able to say that our daughters are already good friends of ours.

By the way, I mentioned to Sheri that Kingsolver's dialogue seems to me unbelievably beautiful (which I meant literally, as "so beautiful that the dialogue itself is not believable"). She didn't find it unbelievable, but did agree about the beauty of her prose. "I found myself just reading it over again" to enjoy it.

What was it, I thought, that makes this dialogue so unbelievable, whereas Card's Ender and Bean novels (Ender's Game, Ender's Shadow, Speaker for the Dead, etc.) have astonishing insights offered up by absurdly young characters? I decided that by the time I was reading any 13-year-old spouting 50-year-old wisdom, my disbelief had already been so far suspended that this little bit more wasn't out of line.

And to be fair, perhaps it's not Kingsolver's characters that speak incredibly, but rather it's because of my prejudices that I find their remarks prima facie absurd.

Almost forgot

The lovely Carol and Jenny were supposed to return home last night, but their flight was canceled due to weather. So I spent another night alone in bed... then the phone rang at about 3:00am. I didn't get to it in time, but I was fully awake. I ended up going swimming (swam about 900 yards) at the "Y", during which I remembered something about last night's posting on the good news.

I forgot to mention Jesus. Well, I did mention him, but I left him out in my summary of what the good news is. Like fish who forget that they're wet (thanks to Pete for this phrase), I forget how much of my thinking has been shaped by the fact of Jesus's death on the cross and his resurrection. I wrote about it in August, but the thing that makes the good news credible -- I mean, how can I believe that I don't have to be (perfect, the smartest, correcter than thou, whatever)? It's because all the stuff I'm trying to compensate for -- my sin and shortcomings and that sort of thing -- has been paid for by Jesus himself. ...as I wrote in this open letter to an atheist friend.

I think the struggle with the good news is that just about all of us don't fully get it, or don't fully believe it. How would my life be different if I really believed that I didn't have to make up for anything, that all my faults were already paid for? Would I be free to be a better person? What would it take to change me?

The answer: a daily miracle. Lord, fill me with the knowledge of your will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding, that I can life a life worthy of you and please you in every way, bearing fruit in every good work, growing in my knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to your glorious might so that I might have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to God, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in the Kingdom of Light. (from Colossians 1, sorta)

Amen.