The “cryptoquip” is a substitution cipher, where each letter stands for some other letter. For example, they gave us this clue: “W equals L”—which means that throughout the puzzle, every W stands for an L. Our job is to figure out what the other letters stand for, to reveal a groaner of a pun…
R U J A M S I P T I A P E M J L M W Z R L W J T B X J B M C R Z F J Z F R L E U S M T L F J L L M T Z, R C P X W Q L J W W R Z B J W W R L B J M W R L.
Okay, the first thing to notice is that we have two one-letter words, represented by “J” and “R”. These have to be “I” and “a”, in either order. If “R” were “a” then the quip would begin “A_ I blah blah I …”; maybe “As I was walking I noticed…”
To tell the truth, though, I didn't even think of that; I just assumed that it began “If a blah blah a …”; it might also be “In a...” or “Is a…”; I didn't think it started off “It a…,” which isn't grammatical. But let’s go with R⇒I and J⇒A and defer the U for a while.
The clue tells us that “W” represents “L”, so that “LJWW” on the last line is “_ALL”. Experience with these groaners suggests the part after the comma, which so far we know is “I ___l_ _all i_…”, most likely will represent “I would call it….” But even without that knowledge, you could probably guess that LJWW means “call”; it's probably not ball, fall, gall, hall, mall, pall, tall, or wall.
If L⇒C, then what does LMWZRL on the 2nd line mean? C_L_IC—too short for “garlic,” besides starting with the wrong letter; C_LBIC? C_LDIC? Wait, didn't I guess that “LJWW RZ” was “CALL IT” (last line)? If so, then Z⇒T and LMWZRL is C_LTIC.
H'm, Not CALTIC (J⇒A hence we can't have M⇒A). CELTIC maybe? One thing about ALL-CAPS in the cryptoquip is that nothing marks proper nouns (or adjectives in this case). I suppose LMWZRL could also be COLTIC (is that a word?) or CULTIC (still possible).
Suppose it were CELTIC (M⇒E). Then our puzzle would look like this:
I _ A _ E _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ E A R U J A M S I P T I A P E M J C E L T I C L A _ _ _ A _ E _ I T _ A L M W Z R L W J T B X J B M C R Z F J T _ I C _ _ _ E _ C _ A C C E _ T, I _ _ _ L _ Z F R L E U S M T L F J L L M T Z, R C P X W Q C A L L I T _ A L L I C _ A E L I C L J W W R Z B J W W R L B J M W R L.I see “Celtic” in line 2 and “_aelic” in line 4. Gaelic? If B⇒G then we'd have:
I _ A _ E _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ E A R U J A M S I P T I A P E M J C E L T I C L A _ G _ A G E _ I T _ A L M W Z R L W J T B X J B M C R Z F J T _ I C _ _ _ E _ C _ A C C E _ T, I _ _ _ L _ Z F R L E U S M T L F J L L M T Z, R C P X W Q C A L L I T G A L L I C G A E L I C L J W W R Z B J W W R L B J M W R L.Gallic? As in French? Maybe the first word really is “If”, in which case the _ _ E _ C _ really could be “French”? Then U⇒F, S⇒R, T⇒N and F⇒H and we have
I F A _ E R _ _ N _ _ _ _ E A R U J A M S I P T I A P E M J C E L T I C L A N G _ A G E _ I T H A L M W Z R L W J T B X J B M C R Z F J T H I C _ F R E N C H A C C E N T, I _ _ _ L _ Z F R L E U S M T L F J L L M T Z, R C P X W Q C A L L I T G A L L I C G A E L I C L J W W R Z B J W W R L B J M W R L.OK, lines 2 is “Celtic language with a”—right? Then X⇒U and C⇒W. Turning to line 3, a THICK French accent, yes? So E⇒K. Let's see how that looks now.
I F A _ E R _ _ N _ _ _ K E A R U J A M S I P T I A P E M J C E L T I C L A N G U A G E W I T H A L M W Z R L W J T B X J B M C R Z F J T H I C K F R E N C H A C C E N T, I W _ U L _ Z F R L E U S M T L F J L L M T Z, R C P X W Q C A L L I T G A L L I C G A E L I C L J W W R Z B J W W R L B J M W R L.Line 3: “…I would”, yes? P⇒O, Q⇒D and line 1 reads
IF A _ER_ON __OKE A“If a person spoke…”? That's it! A⇒P, I⇒S and we're done:
I F A P E R S O N S P O K E A R U J A M S I P T I A P E M J C E L T I C L A N G U A G E W I T H A L M W Z R L W J T B X J B M C R Z F J T H I C K F R E N C H A C C E N T, I W O U L D Z F R L E U S M T L F J L L M T Z, R C P X W Q C A L L I T G A L L I C G A E L I C L J W W R Z B J W W R L B J M W R L.Wasn’t that fun?
